My World

2012-01-28T16:40:00.002Z

These past six months have been a whirlwind of emotions- and it doesn't look like it's stopping anytime soon.
It's a whole new world, and I don't know whether I like it or not.
It's as though someone turned on the tap, and left it there running.
I feel that I am losing the stability that I once took so much pride in. Now it takes less and less to send me into an emotional frenzy.

親愛的朋友，

2012-01-25T23:12:00.004Z

距離和時間，誰不能給？
實說，我想你要的不只是這些。
你了解嗎，我最怕的就是面對我們的以後，
尤其是一種包括多點距離，多點時間；一種比較冷靜的以後。
這個念頭讓我非常害怕。
人家說，真正的友情不管甚麼難關都能渡過。
哈，我還希望我們之間有甚麼龍捲風呢！
你現在決定這樣，
還有誰願留下來陪我掙扎？

我坐在公路的出口等待天黑以後
無邊的寂寞。

An Interesting Change

2012-01-22T00:09:00.003Z

It will be very interesting to see the changes I have decided to make take effect in my social life.
Going to be uncomfortable at first, but I'm sure the benefits of my withdrawal will be awesome.
It's the only way. Cheers to the new me!

To commit

2012-01-15T01:04:00.002Z

In so many instances within virtually every context that can be found in life it seems that one of the most prominent defining factors of success (in any sense of the word) is commitment. Commitment is the underlying catalyst of progress, of improvement and of change; or more generally, the path toward reaping the fruits of any particular embarkation one undertakes. Ironically, and perhaps unfortunately, it is also the one thing that people (myself included) tend to have a problem with and find so difficult to give.

This year there are so many things in my life that need fixing and rebuilding and I know that when I am brought to task the 'make or break' ingredient is going to be my commitment or the lack of it. Knowing this, as all my other New Year resolutions fade expectedly into the background with the onslaught of February and the months beyond, I hope that my one commitment- to commit- stands. And hopefully that keeps everything progressing.

Unsettling

2012-01-05T22:05:00.002Z

2012 will mark my 23rd year in the world, and like a lemon tart that has been left in the fridge to settle, it seems that I've been around long enough for my life to become more solid- in the sense that I am more sure of who I am and want to be, my morals and values, the way I conduct myself, as well as so many of the other things within.

I tell myself that these years in university are the last of my formative years, after which I will be ready to present a complete and properly settled version of myself to the wider world. Or will I? Given my track record, I should know better than to make grand claims such as these.

It makes me both happy and sad as I look back on the year gone by. At times it appears that I know what I'm doing, at other times this is less apparent. One streak that runs right through the twelve months, however, is change. I have changed so much and so quickly that truth be told, I barely recognise myself. I remember once pausing on the street on the way home from school to give myself a shake and ask myself if this was me. It is both scary yet liberating to discover; or rather uncover, the person within.

Why though, I sometimes wonder, are all these parts of my personality appearing to manifest now? It could be the whole London-Singapore-London-Singapore arrangement, or perhaps the simple fact that I am growing up and 'finding myself', if you will excuse the cliche. It will be interesting to see the kind of change 2012 brings. I can only hope that the person writing this at the end of the year in December is not some sort of transmogrified monster.

Happy new year!

A break.

2011-12-06T18:22:00.001Z

The most anticipated week of the term, Week 10, has finally arrived.

At long last. My mind needs a break from thinking.

Looking forward to a cold and contemplative Christmas in North England with good company.
Some snow would be nice, too.

Copenhagen

2011-12-01T23:35:00.001Z

This year, instead of uploading a jumble of meaningless photos onto Facebook after each of my short European hops, I thought I'd do a short travelogue-ish writeup of the places I visit and pair these with some (good) shots.

So here goes...

Copenhagen seems to be one of the most chilled-out cities I've ever been to (especially in comparison to London). There is no buzz whatsoever about the place. The trains and buses and things like that seem to run with the sort of precision one tends to find in the Scandinavian countries, but in the most laid-back fashion possible, and without an air of urgency. The people on the streets don't seem to be in a hurry- in fact- most days it seems there is no one on the streets at all. For a capital city, it is strangely quiet and empty. I started out exploring Nyhavn, a very pretty portion of the city overlooking the main canal, where buildings splashed with various colours of paint add a bright touch to the plain grey hues of late autumn.

As darkness fell I stumbled upon a lovely theatre by the harbour. The Danes are well known for design and they seem in particular to have an obsession with making their spaces cosy and intimate, which is usually done through an interesting use of lights. Most of the shops and eateries I peered into were intricately decorated and often illuminated by the soft glow of a candle or two. This theatre, which I later found out was the Royal Danish Playhouse, had a lobby resembling the night sky. Dim, twinkling little stars dangled from the ceiling, made even more impressive by the fact that the walls were glass and that the real, boundless night sky hovered just outside.

For a better perspective of things I scaled the Round Tower the next morning to catch a bird's eye view of the city. No doubt it was round, but also rather low- with the view from the top less than impressive. What I enjoyed more was a contemplative exploration of the Rosenborg Royal Palace's well-kept gardens later in the day. It was a beautiful time to be in a garden of any sort- everyone was in the midst of shedding their leaves and the grounds were covered in a thick bed of gold.

Denmark is also famous for giving the world Lego, something I played with for most of my childhood. It was very interesting then to visit the Lego flagship store somewhere in the city's shopping district and indulge in all sorts of things related to the toy...

Here, a Lego version of Tower Bridge...

Instead of pick-and-mix sweets you can pick-and-mix Lego bricks and pay by weight. Cute.

Denmark's most prominent culinary contribution is the smorrebrod, or the open-faced sandwich. The filling changes, but the concept is always the same- something strange slapped on a heavy slab of rye. I tried three of these in a little side-street tuckshop surrounded by some workers having various sandwich combinations for lunch. Some of the weirder fillings included fish cakes atop beetroot slices and pate with pickles and jelly. Whatever. Best washed down with some Copenhagen beer...

...that comes fresh from the Carlsberg Brewery.

Fancy sandwiches and whatnot are of course a one-off. Given the cost of things in Denmark the rest of the time I subsist on the ubiquitous Scandinavian staple: hotdogs- and even they don't come cheap, at 35 Kroner ($8) a pop.

A short train ride to the small town of Helsingor roughly fifty miles out of Copenhagen brought me to the famed Kronborg Castle where Shakespeare set his play Hamlet. The castle is situated on a tiny peninsular that juts out slightly into the little sliver of sea that separates Denmark from neighbouring Sweden. It is here that the waterway between these two countries is at its narrowest, and thus the ideal location for a fortress of this sort given their war-stained histories. The castle itself was chock-full of the usual princely bedrooms and fine furniture, but what I really loved was the fact that it sits right next to a windswept, pebbly beach with clear views of Sweden. The approach of sunset later on made for some dramatic scenes.

Danish 'S'-trains.

Kronborg Castle and its grand hallway, complete with the mandatory portraits and even a chandelier- but completely empty!

Sweden- somewhere in the distance. The town of Helsingor faces its Swedish counterpart, Helsingborg, just across the strait.

Helsingor's main street is little more than a ghost town by evening. Most of the shops were closed and there was scarcely a soul in sight. It was a liberating feeling to feel so alone in a small town somewhere in northern Denmark. Perhaps, to escape from the claustrophobic city life, a sense of space is all we need.

A Third Space?

2011-11-25T23:34:00.001Z

"Ambivalent feelings about home are sometimes seen as a key to migrant sensibilities, of belonging not in one place or another, but in some sort of 'third space' that is more than just a combination of the other two."
Murji, K., 2008. A place in the world: geographies of belonging. In: C. Barnett, J. Robinson and G. Rose, ed. Geographies of globalization: a demanding world. London: Sage.

Today someone asked me what I miss about Singapore. Which led me to wonder if I even missed Singapore at all. And there I caught myself. Two months ago, I was completely torn apart by the knowledge that I had to leave.

It seems that...

2011-11-23T23:22:00.001Z

...no matter how hard I try I am abysmal at keeping in touch with my friends.

This moment...

2011-10-15T00:38:00.003+01:00

Over the past few weeks I have been exposed to the joys (and pains?) of near-complete independence. It is an experience of unparalleled liberation to be able to rent one's own flat in a foreign country. To choose the furniture that I want in my room and how I want to arrange them. To be able to plan my own meals and cook them from scratch. To wash the dishes (a first for me, I must admit) and take out the trash, to pay water bills and deal with bedsheets, vacuum cleaners, rugs and clothes racks. I derive such a great deal of satisfaction from these very mundane things because it makes me feel that I am growing up.

One of the things that I am learning to do, meanwhile, is to enjoy the present moment. No matter how routine the thing I am doing is, I plunge into it with the enthusiasm of a child who has discovered a new toy. I believe it is important to savour every one of life's experiences that rolls our way- and the only way to do that as an adult is to act as though we are seeing everything for the first time. Sometimes when I pop underground into the Tube, I dash down the escalators as fast as I can. At other times I enter Waitrose as though I have never seen an English supermarket. At the LSE library entrance I like to pause for just a second to catch a glimpse of the strange spiral staircase at the centre of the building. I want to see London and my life in London through eyes of novelty; the same eyes I had on me when I first came up to this city last September.

And I want to extend that perspective to the rest of my life, whether in London or back in Singapore. This may or may not be a form of resistance on my part to the fact that I am growing up. Perhaps I am just being silly. Whatever. Experiences and even opportunities throughout life may be plentiful and may come again and again, but as far as I'm concerned, right at this moment, they only come once. I've never seen them before, and I'm going to enjoy them.

Friendships.

2011-09-25T05:58:00.002+01:00

Been thinking so much about them.

Summer

2011-09-04T04:43:00.005+01:00

This summer has forced me to evaluate so many things. For better or worse, it has also revealed to me so many things about myself I'd always ignored. I don't know if I like it all or not, really, but it is clear that life is starting to get complicated as adulthood rolls in.

:')

2011-08-06T21:09:00.001+01:00

Had a most intimate session of worship this week, something that I miss so much.

Come and remind me of who You are.

Perspective

2011-08-02T07:34:00.021+01:00

One of the things I have gleaned from studying overseas is a refreshing new perspective on a number of issues. Studying in the UK has opened my eyes in many ways, but I have found it hardest to grapple with the way it has sensitized my perspective with regard to how I view life in my own country.

The Singaporean way of doing life is glaringly apparent when one peers into the country from outside its borders. Over the past 21 years I realize that I have, perhaps unintentionally, learned to adapt to and excel in this Singaporean 'system' that prepares me to enter the workforce as a hardworking employee, doing my part in attempting to satiate the nation's unending hunger for economic growth. In return, the nation promises me wealth, a high material standard of living and civil stability in a world of increasing chaos.

This model or 'system' is something I have never scrutinized nor questioned because I simply have never had the time to study it objectively. When you are a part of something it is easy to become blinded to the 'bigger picture'- as they say- losing your sense of objectivity and your independence of observation. This is especially so in an environment where critical evaluation and individual opinions are less socially acceptable and the herd mentality more than evident. Living in another country for a certain length of time, however, has made me acutely aware of the way by which my own country operates, and has set me thinking.

Singapore has begun to wrestle with a new set of issues that have surfaced in the last few years, and these generally have to do with the social costs that are becoming more apparent in the country's efforts to sustain its level of economic growth. These issues have come in the form of, amongst other things, the very contentious immigration debate, overcrowding, and income inequality. The tangible sense of discontent from a normally placated population that was expressed in the 2011 General Elections made real many of the challenges our society will in time have to face.

As National Day approaches I believe it is high time for us as a society to reflect on certain things, in particular, the direction in which we want our country to steer toward. PM Lee assured our foreign investors earlier today that there would be 'no change in [Singapore's] economic direction'. This is neither a good nor a bad thing. At the end of the day it is not about whether there is change or not in the Singaporean system- more importantly, it is about the citizenry getting what they want.

Socioeconomically speaking, I have studied countries run in starkly different ways. Scandinavian Europe, for example, embraces the social-democratic welfare typology which is very much in contrast to the way Singapore is run. Yet, a system so different may or may not be better suited to our culture and/or our way of doing things. I believe that at a very fundamental level, most Singaporeans may not even know what they want, let alone be aware of the system that would be best for them. Perhaps we have been trained to accept that which is dished out for us rather than stepping forward and seeking our own.

I for one stand as an example of someone like that. Armed with my new perspectives, and as I continue to make some more observations, however, I may develop some sort of an opinion in the near future.

That remains to be seen.

Summer Storage

2011-07-11T17:02:00.003+01:00

Yesterday I woke up in my humid room under a noisy whirring fan and found myself wondering:

Did London happen at all?

Between today and the last time I was in my room in Singapore, a whole school year has gone by, just like that.

Packed into it were nine months of life, basically- lectures, classes, papers, travels, friendships, experiences... (the list goes on).

And yet, untrue as I know this to be, it feels as though back in Singapore, nothing has changed.

I am living two lives now.

Each seems to pick up when the other stops.

In October when I return to London, I know that as I open the big boxes of all the stuff that I have sent to storage over summer,

the London life, alongside everything else I have packed away, unravels itself and starts once again,

while the Singapore life freezes in line with my absence.

My discipline (or the lack of it)

2011-04-27T22:55:00.004+01:00

I used to be able to separate work and play very well.

When it was time to work, I'd work.

Likewise for play.

These days, though, the confines of my 3m-by-3m room seem to be affecting my discipline because every imaginable creature comfort is within easy reach.

Whether it's my bed, the stash of snacks, or my Macbook- they all lie within an arm's grab.

As such, I find studying in libraries or study rooms so much more efficient.

With the distractions out of sight, I get so much more work done.

And then as I get absorbed in my readings I start to think about my discipline (the other one),

and I realize, for better or for worse, that I have been studying the same thing for the past ten years.

In Secondary 1 it was renewable and non-renewable resources,

and today, it is again (or should I say still!) renewable and non-renewable resources.

How I love Geog.

Seasons change

2011-04-07T19:45:00.000+01:00

I sit in my little space and quiet music fills the room.

It is late in the evening but the rays of twilight still pierce through my square window.

This is my first experience of winter transiting into spring, and it is beautiful.

The gardens overflow with people on picnic mats at midday,

while the fountains of London's squares gush in excitement

at the sunny blue skies.

In her simple way, nature mirrors my own life.

Tells me that there is a spring after every winter

and sunny blue skies after an eternity of cold.

Let's start from here,

where everyone is happy and the mood is upbeat.

Help me find my way home.

2011-03-15T21:57:00.002Z

I recall a quote that goes something like this:

Only friendships that can stand some straight-talking from time to time are worth keeping.

If you'll forgive the gross misquotation, I believe the main point comes out quite clearly.

Sometimes it strikes me that my friends are all that I have here in London, and tonight I am, for some reason or other, thankful for them.

2011-02-18T17:07:00.000Z

Life makes me want to cry sometimes.

Both tears of sadness and tears of joy.

This past few months in London have revealed so clearly to me my own shortcomings, my insecurities and weaknesses;

Yet on the flip-side I have seen moments of such strength, courage, determination and discipline in some parts of myself.

It is all very humbling to realize.

For all I am,

(and although this is as cliche as it gets- but it's true)

I know that there's a God above

who picks me up when I fall

and completes me.

Change

2011-02-06T00:12:00.006Z

The first few lines of one of my favourite songs- Champagne Supernova by Oasis- go like this:

How many special people change?

How many lives are living strange?

Where were you while we were getting high?

...

Most, if not all, of the rest of the song doesn't seem to make any sense to me, but these lines for some reason always hit home whenever I hear them.

I am reminded of the way people walk in and out of my life. Those I was close to in the past but whom I barely talk with anymore. The ones who were there for a specific season, a specific purpose. The ones who drew near, then drifted away- who were there for that moment and then weren't.

I know the oft-used adage that says that everyone comes into your life to teach you something, and then, when that purpose is achieved, they leave, only to be replaced by others. I see in my life those who are now gone, those who will eventually go, and those that remain, so far at least. It saddens me sometimes when I think of the temporal nature of all these relationships. I want to keep in touch with everyone, but I know I am constrained by time and energy. It is sad that friends have to come and go like that. It is even sadder that it doesn't affect me as much as it once did when I was a younger version of myself.

Perhaps this is one of the traps of growing up- you start off losing the naive, more innocent parts of yourself and end up accepting the realities you were shielded from in your rosy childhood.

Don't get me wrong- this is in no way an emo rant. If not for anything else, it reminds me even more poignantly that I must treasure every person that comes along my way. Each relationship I enjoy at present is such a special thing because in time it may fade away or even die out, and it is something I may never get to savour ever again.

Who's up for living in the moment. It's the best I can do.

2011-01-22T01:10:00.002Z

Why is it all so tiring?

Barely two weeks back in my other home and I feel completely drained. Physically, emotionally- from all sides.

Is it due to the fact that being in the not-so-unknown keeps you on your toes all the time?

I wish I could sleep for a couple more months.

2011-01-02T11:00:00.002Z

Having to leave one of the most awesome years ever behind is difficult...

Cheers to 2010 and hello 2011!

Family

2010-12-11T19:08:00.004Z

Thanksgiving may have gone by quite a couple of weeks ago, but there is never a need to wait for the next formal occasion to express one's gratitude. As Christmas draws near and the year begins to close I want to set aside a post to say thank you to two very special people in life- Mom and Dad.

How do I even begin. Gosh, I will never come close to doing this justice- ever. It hit me these past few months in London. I've never felt this before. Seriously, how do you even begin to thank someone who has given up her career- her own ambitions and aspirations in life- to put your welfare and interests first? How do you thank someone who cooks your meals (hundreds of thousands of them), washes your clothes, tidies your room...someone who prays for you, listens to your problems, who continually encourages you to strive for the best in your life, time and again- despite having given up so much of her own life for you? How does she still do it all with a smile? Why would she even bother to keep giving and giving and giving so much, sometimes to be met with nonchalance, irritability- downright rudeness, even? Why doesn't she complain?

Mom. What can I even say for everything that you've done for me. It has been such a hard year for you. Health and all.

And Dad. For working so hard for us. Even today you hold three jobs to support the family. I thank you for being so accepting of my plans and ideas all this while. Never once have I felt the need to prove anything to you. I've always taken for granted all the encouragement you give to me to pursue the things I want to pursue. I know most Dads aren't like you- and I thank you for the fact that you've never pressured me into conforming to your ideas or imposed conditions upon my life. You have allowed me to be myself, and I am immensely grateful to you for that.

To both my parents, I know you both have a commitment to creating a loving family, and truly it is only through your patience, love and sacrifice that this has been done. No family is perfect, but today for the first time it hits me that mine is close to ideal. I have never truly treasured this fact but today I do. It is awesome to have a family to come home to, where jokes flow freely around the dinner table. It is something so special.

Perhaps the greatest expression of my thanks lies in this: if one day I start a family of my own, I would work at it to make sure it is exactly the way my family is, right now.

2010-11-19T15:37:00.000Z

I miss Singapore. I really do.

But I'm scared to find out when I return in December,

that I don't really belong there anymore.

Space

2010-11-11T15:57:00.001Z

It can get pretty lonely at night, with just songs on the playlist for company.

Not that I need company though, have always been a big fan of personal space.

Or rather, thought that I'd always been a big fan.

I think I just need the familiarity of people from home.

But my nights are their very early mornings,

so nobody is ever available to chat when I am.

Strange, but the one quote that keeps ringing in my head,

the one quote that caught my eyes when I was flipping through a friend's university guidebook,

"to be an adult is to be alone".

Thankfully I love my own company,

or at least,

I'm being forced to learn to love,

me.

Almost Easy

2010-10-17T23:39:00.000+01:00

Received a reminder that life overseas is neither always easy nor always rosy.

When you're running a temperature, coughing violently with a nasty sore-throat, or when the heater refuses to work, or when the hall's internet crashes (50% of the life of an overseas student is on the internet), or when you have to hike out to the supermarket in the 10 degree freeze to get lunch (a cold sandwich), things can get bad. But when all four of the above happen in one day, you have it really bad. And you sorely miss Mom- who is thirteen hours away- her love, her presence, her hot porridge and soups, her fussing over you.

That was me, today

Sometimes I wonder why on earth I'm here. But for most of the time (apart from the occasional hiccup), I'm really glad I came to London. It's not too difficult actually- it's almost easy to get by.

It's such a blessing to have had such a wonderful opportunity, and to have seized it- and this is the way I want to live life, with no regrets.

Sleepless

2010-09-25T06:58:00.002+01:00

Everything seems so surreal now, made even more strange by the harsh morning light that is cutting through my curtains. How did one night pass so quickly even while I was wide awake?

Somewhere from the darkness my new life is being birthed forth into the dawn.

A Glass Case

2010-09-13T18:08:00.002+01:00

I wish time would stop for a second so that I could pour the present into a glass case. A big, rounded glass case that can hold all that is my life in Singapore, everything I want to have and to hold and to recall. My parents, relatives, friends. The relationships I enjoy and have built with those closer to me. How my room looks. How I feel about God, and about the future. All my insecurities, quiet anxieties and fears. My secrets. The things that are important to me, right here, right now. Everything about everybody. I want to know it all and I want to keep it all. I want to freeze a cross-section of my thoughts, feelings- my whole life, at this very moment.

If it were possible, I would want to carry the glass case with me to London. A glass case of memories. Of myself. So that I always have something to look back on. The me of today.

It is sad, sometimes, that we are taught to only allocate that tiny shred of brain space to the past. We are young and the future ahead is so bright for us. The future is bright. The bright is future. The future is bright. So they say.

But I don't throw memories away.

A Matter of Time

2010-09-08T14:30:00.003+01:00

The more new people I meet, the more I want to cling to the ones I've known for so long, yet it is only a matter of time before the new become the old, and the old become the forgotten, unless I make an effort to stop this process, somehow.

I looked out of a bus yesterday and saw Kallang Pudding Road on a road sign. Strange! Do they sell puddings there?

Anyone of us.

2010-09-05T18:37:00.005+01:00

Early this morning my friend gave me a lift home.

In the hazy pre-dawn dimness, on an avenue somewhere in Loyang, I spy a pick-up truck stuffed full with foreign workers on their way to work.

I have always been nonchalant with regard to the existence of foreign workers in my country. They live their own lives, and I go along with mine. I know they work hard and slog away for long hours, doing the work that Singaporeans are unwilling to do.

They repair our roads, cut our grass, build our buildings.

They replace our underground cables, lay our MRT lines, erect and tear down scaffolding.

They represent families from all over our part of Asia. They are husbands, fathers, brothers who have left the rest of their families behind in their quest to bring for themselves and the people they love a better living standard.

That much I do know.

Today the entire situation came to my fatigued frame of mind in a very different light.

It could have been anyone of us.

The foreign workers, I mean.

There was definitely an equal chance that we could have been born into a poverty-stricken family somewhere in Bangladesh or India; the odds are there.

An equal chance that we would have had to work under a scorching tropical sun, hour upon hour, for months, years, even decades.

To build spiffy new condominiums we would never live in;

Tall office buildings in modern glass where we would never go to work.

Or designer shopping malls we could scarcely afford to shop in; even duck inside on hot afternoons to enjoy a dousing of air-con.

To be apart from our families and friends for any number of years- what would that take?

We have it so easy, and yet we still find space to complain about the smallest bits of stress in our lives.

Not being able to get on the train during peak hours- what is that to someone who has had to cross oceans to find work to feed his starving family?

And worse, we rant on and on about foreign workers.

They lack our social graces, we say.

They overcrowd our transportation systems.

We don't want their dirty dormitories next to our nice neighbourhoods- oh no, no, that would cause our property prices to fall so bad.

It could have been anyone of us.

So before you say something nasty or pass that racist remark the next time you come across one of our many foreign workers (hey, even I need some improvement in this area),

do spare them a thought or two.

They are, after all, humans too.

They could have been in our position, just as easily as we could have been in theirs.

Today's Menu:

2010-08-23T17:00:00.001+01:00

Excitement; served with Apprehension on the side.

Change

2010-08-12T17:10:00.012+01:00

A great change looms, once again.
It is always in these transitions that I find the strongest me, the one torn between happiness and sadness, one arm in a half-embrace, the other drawn away.
There is nothing to be scared of, nothing to be anxious about- I remind myself.
All these feelings are just unnecessary, and a complete waste of time.
I am a great believer in the capability of the human body to adapt, both physically and mentally, to changes in life.
After the initial displacement, the dust starts to settle and the weeks continue rolling through the conveyor belt as a life is produced.

Singapore

2010-08-09T13:31:00.001+01:00

I'm thankful that I call this country home.

An ode to Night

2010-08-03T16:07:00.002+01:00

Insomnia makes me more awake than ever,
crawling through the streets at two,
feeling at one with the darkness
that wraps itself around.

The air is just as humid,
and the sweat comes slinking down,
but I feel closer to the night
than I've been to anything before.

I love you, night.

2010-07-28T05:20:00.002+01:00

Everywhere I turn I am reminded that my attitude is the most crucial thing that needs to be set right.
I'm good at masking the way I truly feel about things and people with awesome hand-crafted facial expressions that suit the occasion, but what is the point of doing that?
It is only deception in the end.
Think that the core needs to be changed, and it all starts from deep inside. Once that's settled the less important outer layers will follow suit.

2010-07-18T13:26:00.002+01:00

I go around everyday,
waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Your time is up,
the transition is over,
and it's time to move on.

a half-year report

2010-07-04T12:49:00.001+01:00

The speed of passing time never fails to amaze me. I know I muse on and on about how time flies and how quickly everything whizzes by, but my short sentences never seem to do this topic justice. Seriously, the first six months of 2010 have gone by, just like that. If the passing of time keeps accelerating like that, I think that the 50 or so years I have left may very well be only 20 or 25 years having taken into account time's ever-increasing speed.

Yet, I have to admit (with a grin) that I am very, very pleased with the way I have spent my past few months. With the gap year in full swing, travels to all countries, big and small, have drained my budget incredibly- there goes all my hard-earned NS pay- but in exchange for awesome memories and a great lump of photographs sitting in thick albums by my bedside drawer. The list rolls on... Taiwan, Japan, Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, the USA, Myanmar, and soon Malaysia, are just some of the many countries, I have set foot on and explored.

I have enjoyed a variety of random jobs, too, from home tuition to English classes to data entry and even rewriting sentences and essays- some boosted my bank account while others flouted labour laws with their terrible pay, but they were all there to give me a little dose of routine and to give me a sense that I'm earning my keep and not slacking my life away.

Spent (and still spending) a great deal of time with friends and with God.

Actually, I wouldn't mind if life just bumps along happily this way... why the need to advance for further studies, get a job, start a family, retire and finally die?

Well as they say, 生命给我什么我就享受什么. My motto for now. A hundred times over.

2010-06-16T05:13:00.002+01:00

I think everyone has expectations that are waay too high.
The sooner we learn to live with less, to live for less,
the sooner we discover happiness.

Verse of the day:
"Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless." (Ecc 1:2)

Don't you just feel like that sometime...
Everytime...

2010-06-07T16:39:00.000+01:00

oh gosh where are all those people that vanished along the way?

2010-05-27T18:41:00.001+01:00

at times i feel such hate and anger toward authority, any authority, and it makes me just want so much to rebel. rebel, rebel, rebel. it is a drumming in my head.

and there i have been thinking that i am so fucking mature and past all that low-class pride. i know about humility and all its benefits, but to put it into practice? i try so hard but it seems just out of my grasp.

time to go to sleep. or maybe wake up. don't know, don't care.

2010-05-24T15:32:00.006+01:00

these days it seems i am living with the song 'live like you're dying' ringing in my ears.
what is up with this sudden, crazy drive to start doing everything, meet everyone and hold on so tightly to the people and the things around me?
i like it though- this is not a complaint,
because we are dying, slowly but surely, each and every day,
and to be so acutely aware of it is such a rare, rare phase of lucidity
that i feel i absolutely MUST treasure it.

i am so afraid life will just slip away without me ever doing anything of purpose or ever accomplishing anything of worth.
it is as if i need to try anything and everything so that something memorable can be born out of all of this.
something to remember my life with, something for my life to be remembered by.
yet i am so conscious of the fact that the seconds just keep slipping away- can't anybody stop them?
and each time i lie down on my comfy pillow and glance at my small bedside alarm clock
(whose continuously moving hands make this very soft, barely audible whizzing sound as they scurry past each digit)
i feel so scared, so scared because the seconds that have been used up
can never be lived again!

2010-05-10T08:48:00.002+01:00

我相當討厭的台灣樂團S.H.E曾經發過一張專輯，《不想長大》
專輯裡面的第一首歌唱起來是這樣的：
～我不想我不想不想長大長大後世界就沒童話～
那時我還以為歌詞有些幼稚，
但現在我仔細想想，
覺得自己比較能了解這種奇怪的要求。

長大真的沒有我曾想過的那麼簡單。
如果長大只是把年齡換一換罷了，
那就不用說，
可是成人的生活看起來真的是複雜許多。
人家說長大就會讓人自由，
我相信這種自由含著不少煩惱。不少問題。
而且長大後一旦遇到甚麼挫折，
就是你一個人的責任，誰都不能替你解決。

這種東西這樣說出來你可能覺得沒甚麼嚴重，
但挫折與失敗，不，是怕失敗，
是我一向來一種恐懼，惡夢。

親愛的草莓族團員，
你們是否也會這樣想吧。
我們已經不是小孩子了，
世界早就沒有童話這回事的存在。

只能祝大家好運。就這樣。

2010-05-09T14:53:00.001+01:00

someone recently said that amongst us all there are a number of angels disguised in human form.
this left me in deep thought. it sort of disappoints me because i know i'm simply not an angel.
and it would all have been so interesting!

2010-04-30T18:35:00.006+01:00

my face was squashed against the train doors

and still i was trying to read.

it is hard being pressed from every side,

and i think we soon need a shrinking device

before i start to celebrate

every time the doors open at the next (air-conditioned, please) station.

do you feel it sometimes, too?

a gnawing emptiness, something that eats away at your energy for life.

why is it so much more pronounced

on quiet nights like these

when everything in life seems to be going just fine?

i cannot see clearly

2010-04-19T16:45:00.003+01:00

if our roads were less car-clogged, it would be easier trying to maintain a constant speed while driving along the highway.

i don't have the right to comment any further, though, for i am a contributor to the problem myself.

the rain hurtles down in the form of monstrous wet droplets, leaving big splats on my windscreen.

this causes the yellow light of the streetlamps to fuzz out of focus, while the asphalt highway becomes a reflective surface, red brake-lights on either side.

for a moment, reality is a smattering of red, yellow, black and wet.

the wipers work frantically at wiping this reality away, but the rain keeps sloshing against the glass, and i cannot see clearly.

such drivers inhabit our roads.

2010-03-05T04:42:00.003Z

sometimes it feels good to be growing up. there's a certain enjoyment when you know you've got an increasing say in the route your life is going to take, and how you want certain things to be done.

yet at other times growing up is just awful, as you feel the weight of responsibility heavy upon your shoulders as you strive to take more ownership over the various aspects of your life.

the strange thing is that both positive and negative feelings are caused by the same thing, ain't that funny?

2010-03-03T08:16:00.002Z

thanks to the army, i've become a person who actually likes running. the obvious physical benefits notwithstanding, running provides me with an extended moment of unhurried thought-time whereby i have the chance to systemetically dissect and evaluate the various aspects of my life, after which i form quick yet temporal resolutions to address the concerns that pop up. sometimes it is more difficult to keep up with the pace of my thoughts than it is to maintain my running speed.

2010-01-03T16:39:00.001Z

2009 has been one helluva amazing year.

without a doubt, 2010 will be even more glorious.

here we go!

2009-12-27T14:12:00.000Z

life is bittersweet.

2009-12-07T04:24:00.002Z

during traditionally busy, fun-filled and packed months like festive decembers, the frequency of my blog posts usually slows to a trickle. got to wait for one of those moody, poetic phases once again where i start to spew anything and everything regarding my life on these pages.

2009-12-01T02:40:00.002Z

december is here! my favourite month of the year. i smell faraway lands, friends, fun and christmas! got to start maintaining the fitness the army has given me, or else i'll become a bag of fat soon! either that or a pile of bones.

2009-11-26T08:33:00.004Z

kicked off the gap-year with a week in taiwan.

life after ns has been good :)

mrt with a view.

grey skies and greyer land.

all about ns

2009-11-09T06:11:00.000Z

some of the more vivid army experiences floating around in my mind that i just have to spill out before i forget. (note that the facts have been swirled together with the fantasies of memory, which may make my interpretation of certain events, well, fuzzy at best.)

here goes...

gazing aimlessly outside at the orange lights pasted across the night sky, trying to keep my poor, empty mind occupied so that sleep, and the dreaded next day, would not come too quickly. multiply that by nine weeks.

the thrill of seeing the ferry and sailing back home across the sea each saturday afternoon. sitting in eager anticipation of the mainland as though headed for a party one has been looking forward to for years.

trailing through the swampy jungles in the middle of the night, clutching onto the buddy-in-front's footsteps, with the only visible thing being the illuminated tip of the compass pointing north. feeling tired, tortured and a little scared, all at the same time.

marching 28km from dusk to dawn in sappy 4km blocks, the surroundings as well as my throbbing mind fading to a weary, droning blackness as my feet jerk rhythmically, on and on, with life of their own.

getting posted to a camp equivalent to the wild barrenness of siberia and now, looking back in astonishment at how quickly a year and a half have passed, considering time crawled slower than a family of slugs during my first few weeks there.

sitting upright in bed trying to battle sleep after a 5:30 breakfast and before the 6:45 PT session, just me, my iPod and the whirring fans. spirituality awakens in a body drooping with dreamy fatigue.

sitting in the bx one soggy morning somewhere up in the mountains with the bunch of crazy section-mates and eating a breakfast of boiled eggs that we whacked against our hard helmets to crack.

jet-spraying vehicles with water while getting lashed at by the winds of an oncoming typhoon, and then zipping across taipei the next day with so much to do but so little time. buying everything on impulse.

facing the mounting pressures of leadership and learning to stand on my own two feet. writing down lessons i'd learnt each day in my little black notebook.

going on a crazy five-day full troop after months without tasting the wonders of outfield and panicking because i didn't know how to pull my coverall pants down. gorging on cold canned sardine and nasty green packs.

running around doing detailing, scoring, compiling. i/c this i/c that. the benefits as well as the horrors of the world of admin. stoning in the office during lonely weekend duties. finally getting so used to my spec job that it no longer prodded me out of my comfort zone.

and for the last few months...been enjoying all the happy, crazy people from my company! have to admit i've been having a wonderful time since then. with new leadership, new friends and an easier journey.

from then till now, it has always been about the people, although that sounds rather contradictory as i am generally more introverted. perhaps i am a hybrid between being an inward-looking and an outgoing person. well-balanced, i hope.

so many things i never thought i'd be able to do. i've been stretched and challenged, been used and manipulated in so many ways. it is truly amazing how this date has come so quickly. and even though i spent many evenings agonizing over how the calendar seemed to have frozen, it all doesn't even seem that difficult now... but still, i'd never want to go through it all again.

the clock has reached its end for this phase of my life, and i have packed my possessions and dragged them all out of the dreary camp gates for the final time, along with all these memories.

2009-11-05T08:18:00.003Z

i have always admired the beauty, perfection and significance of 091109. how many countless nights spent mulling over my handphone calendar, counting down the weeks to this date. circling it again and again in diaries and calendars all over. and in four days time it will finally be here.

i no longer have that level of excitement as the day finally approaches, though. our lives are so funny, we tend to hype up so many things, making them all so mediocre when they finally come. but at least it is an occasion to be truly happy!

the strawberry generation

2009-10-31T07:06:00.007Z

as a friend casually commented, we form the strawberry generation. this term refers to the lot of us who, generally speaking, are overprotected, easily bruised pieces of human who cannot take much hardship. it's like trying to grow the strawberry in tropical regions- there needs to be a greenhouse to enclose and protect the plants, to shelter them from the heat.

reading lee kuan yew's memoirs has made me realise how detached we actually are from our own history. his opening sentence: 'i wrote this book for a younger generation of Singaporeans who took stability, growth and prosperity for granted. i wanted them to know how difficult it was for a small country of 640 square kilometres with no natural resources to survive in the midst of larger, newly independent nations all pursuing nationalistic policies' rings in a rather true way, for we are a group of people who have never experienced poverty, civil unrest, and much of the unpleasantness and the pains of growing up as a nation.

does that make us spoilt, or simply blessed to be born in a generation that freely inherits the fruits of our forefathers' labour?

parts of the country

2009-10-25T15:45:00.004Z

having lived in this country for about two decades, i can vouch that the saying 'familiarity breeds contempt' holds true. too often we look at our homeland with overly critical eyes, failing to see the beauty that lies all over. as such i have made it my mission to love the land. its geographical aspects first, of course. the people and their ugly antics are sometimes harder.

2009-10-23T03:43:00.003+01:00

i am going to draw up a flawless exercise routine to maintain my fitness after i graduate from serving the nation. jogging seven times a week or something.

so they all say. lets see how long my discipline can last.

home can be so peaceful, like a zen garden. i wonder if all of us were built for the exciting life.

an outburst

2009-10-16T09:54:00.003+01:00

why do certain people always seem to want to change me into someone who at present i'm not? is that really, or is that always, the 'best' way? sometimes i feel i'm gradually morphing into a completely different person and i'm not sure whether i like it or not, though its all supposed to be for the 'greater good' and all 'part of the plan'. the ME inside is crying to be released and wants to stop being suppressed. but i never dare freely express myself against the common notion of 'good'.

sigh, shut up bren. it is this same issue again. i thought we were done with authenticity and such in april.

well if i keep shutting up it may be too late when i realise it is too late.

2009-10-13T07:28:00.003+01:00

i'm on leave! at home! on a tuesday! surely a sign of changing times.
my weekends are so jam-packed they sometimes are more tiring than outfield exercises.
so much so that the activities spill over to mondays and tuesdays.
oops, i forgot mondays and tuesdays are also considered weekends now :)

2009-10-04T04:39:00.004+01:00

the first big step toward maturity is the realization that you are not that mature, yet. everytime i feel that strong surge of angst and rebellion from deep inside i have to count to ten, breathe deeply and remind myself that i am no longer some brooding teenager with fluctuations and moodswings.

rather, it is time to grow up. all in good time.

2009-10-02T09:52:00.002+01:00

hordes of people walk into your life, and after a predetermined amount of time, they walk out.
amongst all the masses that come and go, there will always be that one or two who make a difference. either they stay, or they make a profound impact in one way or another.
nevertheless, i try to learn something from each and every person i meet. that way, life is never too boring, even though at times it feels as though you're going through it all, alone.

2009-09-25T18:33:00.000+01:00

my whole life revolves around fighting away at the enormous emptiness inside.

hyperballad

2009-09-25T09:30:00.003+01:00

4am in the morning is one of the kookiest times to find yourself jolted awake.
there is the slight dash of anger you feel at your own body, for not providing you with a complete and undisturbed rest till daybreak.
then, you tilt your head slightly to the left and right, observing for a little while the sleeping bodies of others rising and falling gently in tandem with their breathing.
this is just before the inevitable question pops into your mind- what woke you?
for me, the instinctive answer always starts from the spiritual.
my eyes take a quick dart around the room, making sure there is no evil black vapour or white ghostly figure hovering nearby.
and after reassuring myself that those dark shapes and shadows that loom in the far corners are just jockey caps dangling from metal pegs and not a severed and bloody head, i pull tight the yellow blanket over my body and feet, and begin a conversation with myself.

sometimes i wonder who other people talk to when they find themselves awoken at 4am feeling all warm inside.

2009-09-12T07:46:00.002+01:00

was listening to icelandic band mum's green grass of tunnel. this song (or tune) is one classic example of how music is sometimes felt rather than heard.

am reading (or should i say struggling) through taiwanese novelist 三毛's <撒哈拉的故事>.
ahh. the experience of studying/living abroad.

maybe we don't have to play so much by the rules in life. after all, we're always free to explore.

2009-09-05T05:28:00.003+01:00

there are times when i like to sit on the spectators' bench and watch the game, but i tend to do too much sitting, to the point that it feels as if i'm never involved in any game whatsoever. not good. sometimes a lack of involvement in certain things translates to a general lack of enthusiasm about life, and that's not what i want.

we all seek wholeness, and a feeling of importance and recognition.

weekdays and weekends

2009-08-16T05:59:00.004+01:00

the combination of a five-day work week and a short two-day weekend really teach me to appreciate my saturdays and sundays and to use them to their fullest, sometimes to the point where i totally zonk out on sunday night and am only rudely awoken by the bright white light early on a monday morning.

yet in twelve weeks' time, weekends will no longer be a precious commodity because all weekdays will magically transform into weekends. i fear i may actually begin to waste my days away. maybe this fear has to do with my mindset. or the collective mindsets of today's urbanized, rush-hour-forever people in general who live in this globalized age. there should be nothing wrong with the wasting away of days. why must every day be filled to overflowing with things we think we need to accomplish? perhaps it is time to run to the rural corners of the world.

the year

2009-08-08T06:56:00.004+01:00

2009 has been one crazy intense year so far. that's the best word i can think of to describe the year to myself. intense. no more happy dependency of 2007 or the sweet pride of 2008. instead this year rides on waves of emotions, strong strong surges and crashes from such great heights. most times i don't even feel in control. it's something like the angst of a teen in his early teens. maybe it's the angst my calm rational younger self never felt. strange that it chose now to show up. nevertheless, i'm halfway-or-more through. and it's time for reflections en masse:

discipline is cool.
a hunger for the right things is cooler.
humility is coolest.

oh i need a dose somehow.

2009-07-29T15:53:00.002+01:00

surprised myself by successfully completing a 16km run this morning.
loving runs that begin before dawn. seeing the sun rise, morphing through its shades of red, pink and finally orange hues is awesome even though it may be a sight that can be seen daily.
am learning to take it easy in life.
no point getting your blood pressure all charged up at things which really, aren't that important at all.
off to sentosa tomorrow for cohesion,
and then a nice long weekend :)
frydays are no longer working days for me!

2009-07-22T10:17:00.002+01:00

scored sixteen points on my driving first-attempt today. passed! w00t!

expressions

2009-07-17T09:27:00.005+01:00

consecutive weekday posts are extremely rare! consecutively random ones, even rarer.

i have been filling my eyes with Friends, Ellen talkshows, Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?, The Simpsons, and everything else that has appeared on StarWorld over the past five days. an overload of colour for my excited eyes, who are so used to seeing the boring shades of green.

i just find it really funny - the extent to which exaggeration appears in hollywood and its associates. on TV-america, it seems everything is just "FABULOUS" (emphasis on the way it is emphasized), everyone looks "INCREDIBLE!" and all food tastes "AWESOME!!" Perhaps it really is an american thing that happens on streetsides and in cafes in the land of the free and not just on TV. dad says americans are trained to speak in an encouraging manner, never to discourage others. No harm in the intent.

The japanese, who have a reputation of keeping emotions to themselves, limit this overt display of expression to food-tasting while on camera. Other forms of asians generally remain rather reserved throughout.

room.

2009-07-16T04:54:00.005+01:00

oh my dear room, after only one and a half years it seems i have already forgotten the many pleasant little daily provisions you used to supply me with when i was little more than a schoolkid! since i take you quite for granted now that i only brush past you in a hurry once or twice a weekend, it was very very nice this week having a significant bit more time to spend with you, or rather more or less confined in you, and i've been rediscovering all the wonderful small delights you have to offer:
the strong gusty afternoon breeze your windows let in, the way you let me fuss around everything, everywhere (i need everything arranged in neat rows when i'm around), and the rich, soothing green of your walls. not forgetting to mention, of course, all my stuffed toys, books, and things i have on my desk that smile at me everytime i enter.

i have a lot of animals, come to think of it.

a zoo in a room, where wildlife are free to roam.

here's one of them, a yak, who has built his nest on my printer:

2009-07-04T16:06:00.002+01:00

loving my sturdy brand-new black camera. using it less than i'd actually like to, though, because as with all brand-new things that enter my life, i start off being overly protective of them, lest they get dirty or damaged. funny though, as this kind of feeling lasts only the first few weeks. i desperately try my best to preserve new things in their original, perfect condition. But the day will come when i find this impossible, or unnecessary, or both, and then start to use them excessively without much regard to dirt or damage. And for the camera, then and only then do the good shots roll in.

i realise this behaviour mimics my life in some way. so many times i are obsessed with the idea of perfection and with being perfect. but the truth is i'll never do anything significant or impactful unless i actually step out of this mindset, get into the mud and risk all sorts of hurts and failures. success could be defined as going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm. but oh what great strength that would take...

a-mei's releasing a new album soon! or it could have already been released, without me being aware of it. i lose touch of these stars once i don't hear much from them, yes, this applies even to my favourite singer. am looking forward to more of those powerful ballads from her past that come with meaningful lyrics and haunting melodies. don't think i need the snazzy cheap electronic rock she came up with in STAR. but then again. experimentation is also a good thing, above comment having been made to go with the flow of this post.

i have been gorging on robert frost poetry thanks to a gift a friend got for me. the poems don't speak to me as much now that i don't spend such an intense amount of time and energy dissecting them, but they still have the rhythmnic, hypnotic beauty i fell in love with years ago.

18 weeks to go. things are happy and comfortable.

such a great view.

2009-06-26T14:35:00.003+01:00

with four months to go
the blue bed grows ever more enticing with each working day.
i enjoy the listless whirring of ceiling fans
and the sway that comes with the evening breeze.
the window of opportunity is wide open,
and with eyes pointed toward the sky
one can't help but feel a tinge of wrecking anxiety
that comes with too vast an expanse.
it is beautiful and dreamy, often too rosy.

help me to not just survive,
but to be so alive,
smiling on the inside.

2009-06-19T14:49:00.009+01:00

to think i could have been proud enough to imagine a life of self-sufficiency apart from you superior to the life you could provide.

it is you who has been the one, grooming me into the person i am today.

it just shows how easily we can get carried away by pride. as humans we have an ego, and sometimes it grows like a blown-up balloon and has to be pricked hard with a pin before it comes to it senses.

i am nothing when placed in context within the vastness that is space and time. and yet i have been given so much and been loved even more. it hurts me sometimes to see how selfishly i act, especially when you have been so selfless, and i know it hurts you, too.

and you are still helping me change.

so i take tonight to thank you for your patience. the years and years of patience.

life is a breeze. i hope it stays this way. easy times are great. trying times are supposed to be greater because that's when our character is stretched, tested, and experiences a growth in maturity. but i don't like trying times. it's even harder trying to like trying times.

as the half-year approaches i am at the beginning of the end of my long and fruitful military career. it has taught me so many things, both good and bad. but i've got a thing for the people.

people have never failed to captivate my interest.

2009-06-12T17:31:00.002+01:00

why do i have these bouts of intermittent anger
and dissatisfaction with everything.
it's never enough, the things i do, they don't fulfill my needs.
what are my needs.
ah. forget it.
just drink and drink and quickly sleep.

to taiwan.

2009-06-05T16:53:00.006+01:00

taiwan's tourism bureau has launched a really cool competition titled 'the best trip in the world', where teams conjure four-day travel itineraries and then fly to taiwan to put their plans to the test, after which they journal their experiences and send a copy to the judgement panel. the winning team receives a NT$1 million bounty, and this money has to be used on yet another trip to taiwan - this time a longer, splurge-all-you-like journey round the whole island accompanied by the media. such a competition appeals to all my senses as it involves taiwan, travel, writing and cash. just that the timing is a little off because for this rest of the year i'm barred from leaving the country. i am still a soldier, after all, as much as this notion is fading.

these days i'm getting that taiwan craze back again, thanks to a new guidebook on my shelf. at the last mph bookstore expo bazaar sale (thank god for church in expo) i snagged five lonely planets for $50, one of them being lonely planet taiwan. and in the secret of the night i have been drooling over its pages and lusting after the island of my fascination. last year's month-long, torturous sojourn there would have quenched my taiwanese thirst for good, or so i thought, but then the fact that i'm dedicating one of my rare posts in its entirety to this country, or rather my obsession over this country, points otherwise.

taipei. its grey battered buildings and crowded, bulb-lit night alleys. fried chicken and yam milk tea and cheap fashion. of stars and pop songs and yellow cabs. the north coast and its winding mountain roads that lead to steep wooden villages. windswept plains.

never had a country that means so much to me. freedom. independence. friends. loneliness.
maybe it's not taiwan per se. but more that these values have attached themselves to taiwan. or that taiwan has come to represent them. for all my wishing about having been born there, or about being half-taiwanese, it's nice to know that should my soldiering skills one day fail causing singapore to blow up, at least i'd know immediately which country to call home.

2009-06-01T16:31:00.002+01:00

i find it hard to believe that it's been more than a year since i was posted to this sungei ulu camp. amazing how quickly time passes, but only when one looks back. i'm glad for this camp, and all the others before. the things i've seen and done, the people i've come into contact with. the best way to get the most out of any experience is to completely immerse yourself in it. and i'm glad i've been doing just that. moving slowly through the stages of life.

rush hour

2009-05-22T03:45:00.004+01:00

the collective vibe of energy that can be amassed from the movement of the masses during rush hour in singapore is a terrorist threat as it may be powerful enough to trigger an explosion of nerves as i observed last night when i had the rare opportunity to get out of camp early and head to town by train on a rather sultry thursday evening around seven pm when everyone was rushing somewhere after work or school causing massive streams of slow-moving crowds to ooze irritatingly along the underpasses while traffic on the surface came to an angry standstill pasted with the neon of headlights and red lights all around that looked to be quite a headache and when you take into account the heat rising from the ground immediately after sundown you have a sweaty mess of physical contact on paths and public transport suffering from overworked air-conditioning so it is only logical that courtesy campaigns come to naught at hours like this because there is no time to slow down, what more stop.

cats

2009-05-11T06:18:00.008+01:00

many, myself included, are fascinated with cats.
the way they ignore everything and everyone around them,
just doing as they please.
must be an interesting kind of life.

on saturday i trailed a slender black cat around
and watched as it had its breakfast,
completely disregarding the curious lenses of my camera.

2009-05-03T11:55:00.004+01:00

it now seems so simple, so obvious.
by itself, a tool will never know what it was made for unless the one who made it explains its purpose of existence to it, or uses it to accomplish the purpose for which it was created.
similarly, we will never know the meaning of our lives until we stop trying to look within ourselves for one, and turn to the one who created us. only he has the instruction manual.
i feel so overjoyed at this discovery, but also a little sad because it means i no longer have any excuse for moping around and crying out for the meaning of life.

revolutionary road.

2009-05-01T13:16:00.003+01:00

for our time here is neverending,
chances are few and far between,
so we've got to act fast.
flee from this place,
get onto the path,
while daylight lasts.
keep moving, keep moving,
to the rhythm of faraway.
let our hearts sing, let our friends cringe,
as we pass them by.

where is the road we've all been searching for?
the one that curves up the mountain of dreams,
to a higher place than we've been before.

for too long now this has all been the same
whether happy or sad, it's an awful bore.
you promise that greatness lies just round the corner,
you say that mediocrity is the malady of all.
look at the clouds,
it's a heaven up there,
with new peaks of sunrise,
and cotton-candy.
so much fluffy cotton-candy.

where is the road we've all been searching for?
the one that curves up the mountain of dreams
i want to find the stairway to my heaven.

thank god it's signposted,
we almost got lost.
in this empty wilderness, don't speak to me.
don't tell me it isn't worth the climb.
no one ever got anywhere who didn't work hard,
life is so easy you just do your part.
you promise that greatness lies just round the corner,
you say that mediocrity is the malady of all.
so i drive on my cloud nine at the summit,
feel the true weight of the world and suffer a fall.
not just any fall,
it's the one just before winter.
and in death, thankfully, we no longer dream.

2009-04-26T12:08:00.001+01:00

enough time to think and sort things out, in my mind.
i feel refreshed.
talking helps too.

2009-04-24T13:38:00.003+01:00

the following sentence may make it seem as though i've lost my mind, but do take some time to hear me out: i do not like it when i am given a long block of off-days.

at the beginning of this journey, when every book-out was savoured and cherished like the first few days of a marriage, any day i got to spend out of camp was automatically a day that had to be lived to its fullest in terms of fun. however, one full year and four months into this way of life, blocks of off-days are becoming harder and harder to fill, and i am starting to be startled by how frequently these slightly disturbing questions pop into my mind:

'what do i want from life?'

'where am i heading after all this is done?'

and so now, i no longer wish for blocks of off-days that last longer than four days in a row, for fear of having to face these questions head-on, prematurely. previous off-blocks were so easy to fill, as there were friends from allsorts to meet up and spend time with, and lots of things to do both at home and outside that kept me fat, well entertained and happy. but now the novelty of this lifestyle has worn off, and once the shiny coating is no longer there, the dull core of a meaningless existence is exposed, and question marks surface.

as much as i look forward to the upcoming happiest day of my life, i wonder if there will be some strong side effects of this powerful motivation and drug. i am scared of all those empty, empty days that lie ahead. i am scared to fill them wrongly.

what do i want from life?

2009-04-12T10:30:00.000+01:00

if you see any post after this, it means i've survived.

2009-04-09T09:35:00.000+01:00

"But," he wasn't convinced, "don't you want us to set priorities? You know: God first, then whatever, followed by whatever?"

"The trouble with living by priorities," she spoke, "is that it sees everything as a hierachy, a pyramid, and you and I have already had that discussion. If you put God at the top, what does that really mean and how much is enough? How much time do you give me before you can go on about the rest of your day, the part that interests you so much more?"

"You see, I don't just want a piece of you and a piece of your life. Even if you were able, which you are not, to give me the biggest piece, that is not what I want. I want all of you and all of every part of you and your day."

These few paragraphs impacted me deeply, because this is one of the struggles i cannot reconcile. Someone once told me of the 'imaginary friend' concept where you treat Him as an invisible person by your side, whom you talk to throughout the day. But the problem with this friend is that he cannot be seen, and tends to remain ignored no matter how closely he walks with me.

How.
The question at the core begins with a how.
How do I get closer to Him?
An apt question at the approach of Easter.

a time to deprive

2009-03-19T11:33:00.001Z

deprivation may sound like a cruel thing,
but it perks up a spoilt soul all too well.
i remember once, after six days outfield,
gladly drowning myself in the pounding caresses of the camp shower,
as if having water splashed upon my body
was a pleasure just introduced to me.
and each night tossing and turning to sleep,
thanks to five days of blue hard pillows a week,
turn my own at home into a duffel of the choiciest duck feathers.
so, after a dry many weeks,
the reassurance that gushes forth
from the clean river of the stars
floods my soul with luxury.
people who live in luxury all the time, however,
fail to appreciate that which is right before their eyes.

classic

2009-03-16T12:55:00.000Z

i dislike it when filling my days becomes too challenging.
i sleep until there is no longer any sleep in me,
but there are still hours to spend.
read a hundred pages at one go,
and all too quickly the book ends.
flounder around the pool table,
tapping to the beat of my ipod
but the one neverending rhythm comes only
from my small bedside clock
ticking through the seconds.
tick tock, tick tock,
toward the twenty-two month mark
where life begins.

2009-03-15T11:40:00.002Z

there is healing in music and healing in his presence
sometimes when one becomes too inward
little specks of dirt become magnified to ridiculous proportions
but when we zoom out and hold a globe in our hands
keeping busy with those around us
there is less of a mess to clear.

2009-03-12T14:46:00.005Z

i feel like i'm in a whirlpool, going round and round, round and down.
as though the sun has stopped its orbital hold on the planets, causing them to drift listlessly through emptiness.
there is an anger inside i need to quell.
why would these eyes still look upon me with love.
so strange.
there are no answers, anywhere i turn.
the four walls remain as four walls.
walls of concrete.
and from my side of the wall
i try to say hello.

2009-03-08T11:26:00.012Z

the city of singapore enjoys rich splashes of colour all over.
it is a beautiful place, one i am learning to appreciate and love,
if only through the eyes of a tourist.

such a satisfying sense of space.

a fire-station dressed in red. painstakingly painted.

the spires of a cathedral glow, white-hot.

a prophet is never welcome in his own home.

2009-03-01T10:57:00.003Z

it has been a lovely, lovely afternoon with the sky storming and pouring and lashing out with incessant lightning.
and there, right before my eyes, was an angel sitting on my windowsill.
so now without a doubt, i believe.

too lost

2009-02-28T05:17:00.003Z

these days, i am desperately searching for something to grasp and to hold. in my life, i am involved in a smattering of activities and a bunch of ad-hoc events that keep me busy enough in order to prevent my mind from wandering. it is a satisfying approach to life, but the satisfaction is only partial. as of today i have had enough of self-distraction. it is about time to face up to reality. please bear with me as i begin my slow and long analysis.

amongst the different segments of my life, there is no glue that holds everything together, and i am confused. from which area should my purpose in life come from? or am i supposed to extract the little bits of purpose from each compartment and combine them to ultimately give my whole life a dose of meaning? some say life's purpose comes from above. but at the moment that is a rather airy view to me. it is as believable to me as the angels sitting on my windowsill. how can there be any purpose if you don't even know what do?

and thus, i commence my search.

aristotle once said, 'without friends, a man would not choose to live, even if he had all other goods.' to me, people are a priority. friendships and relationships are all good, but the problem is, how long can they last? as humans we are all faulty in one way or another, and we go through the phases of our lives so quickly that maintainance becomes a challenge that quickly gives way to memory.

activities and events provide fun in their due course, which then ends. this is one area i don't like to draw too much meaning from, because we live in a generation that moves too quickly. many times, i feel that this rush does not allow me time to sit down and savour the things i am experiencing.

striving for education and enrichment is fine, but we cannot carry these things beyond the grave. still, if only for now, they are important because i want to have a well-equipped mind. yet making the academics the source for all things is off-balance, and it makes people tip the scales of slight madness.

religion tries to make a perfect person out of me, but i am not perfect and no longer wish to try my hand at being perfect, because it is rather hypocritical and tends to give way to a hiding/withdrawing nature. i need to see the real side of things and especially of people, not just the good sides. but if i do not reveal my real side, i will not receive what i need.

and as such, i come full circle.
maybe life's meaning will come with even deeper analysis.

maybe it will come when i stop thinking so much. but this brings me back to the stage of self-distraction.

or maybe, and most likely, life is only meant to be a partial satisfaction.
the other part comes from elsewhere.

power. powerless.

2009-02-23T14:15:00.001Z

heck. i can get real sentimental at times
especially on weeknights in an empty bunk
with pen, paper and a stream of thoughts for company.
the only fun in all of this was having a section,
a bunch of restless people trying to pass time,
trying to do nothing by getting everything done.
so no matter how much i truly, deeply hated
those who thought they were so clever
or those actors who lived in pretense,
it was just for that short-lived moment.
i miss all the jokes, arguments and forest forays
that brought life to each day.

with power comes many priviledges,
but along with it, so much loneliness.

summer skin

2009-02-20T01:45:00.000Z

sometimes i still long for those early days of spring
where there was so much time
to dawdle in the grass outside.
today, the temperature is rising
and summer is imminent.
some say the most dynamic days lie ahead.
working, playing, loving.
the rivers are full of distributaries
and a good number lead to the ocean,
but eventually we all have to face autumn
and the greying chills of winter,
as the seasons come full circle,
the seasons of life.

is there rebirth
as a new dawn approaches?

sight

2009-02-19T13:20:00.000Z

the more of this world i see
the less i feel i know.
things that i never imagined would exist, exist.
things that seem to have jumped right out
from the columns of a daily paper,
only to land right before my eyes.
i have to confess
that the world has been my playground
for the past twenty years or so.
i have seen only a small wedge of the whole watermelon,
yet each day this wedge grows.
is there a need to watch until the whole watermelon
unravels before my eyes?
or is it alright to focus on my little slice
and find my rest in my own life?

no one else seems to have trouble
fitting in with their stereotypes.
why do i have this struggle
that bothers nobody else?

art, proud

2009-02-14T04:09:00.003Z

art is everywhere.
the next time you take a train underground,
stake out one of those four corners where you get to lean against the glass panel.
when the train pulls into the station,
stick your head out and peer into the blackness that runs between the train and station.
watch the people,
of all sorts,
bridge back and forth, stepping across the emptiness
through the portal,
from one world to another.

be forewarned,
the doors slam shut in seconds.
good art lasts for merely a moment,
but getting lost in your thoughts
is a lifelong pleasure.
just be careful,
don't lose your head as well.

an image

2009-02-09T07:45:00.000Z

oh sometimes i pray
that my imperfections may be hidden from me
so that i will not see them
and not have that overwhelming urge to change
those imperfect portions of myself.

can i be a person with some dents, some broken areas,
one with a tattered hole or two?
i direct these questions at myself.
for once i present that flawless hologram of me to the world,
even if that image takes a few hard stabs,
it cannot bleed
for it is not there.

after the holidays

2009-02-01T13:45:00.003Z

i feel that i have eaten too much at the buffet of long breaks.
now it is time to tahan the discomforts that are the consequences of this disaster.
which means going through days that feel terribly long,
enduring the weeks that feel even excruciatingly longer,
and slogging through months that are whole years.

thankfully, the pain is only temporary.

four ideals.

2009-01-27T14:52:00.003Z

chinese new year is the only time we see people putting on their smiles at the joy of being reunited with long-lost relatives they hardly care about.

distance and closeness are themes that can be explored in so many ways and on so many levels i think schools should begin to offer these words as subjects.

perfectionists like me actually never want to be viewed as perfect, because people's expectations are driven upwards and through the roof at the mere mention of that word.

mandarin oranges are heaty. plain water is the secret to beauty.

the weekends

2009-01-10T22:09:00.003Z

during the weekend this place turns into a zoo, literally.
dogs chasing one another by the flag poles,
cats parading on the square,
and rats emptying the cupboards and trash bins,
creating huge messes of food on the floor.

at night, the mosquitoes arise
to feed from my limbs.
just who do they all think they are?